Thumbsucker. That’s right. You read that correctly. What kind of man do you picture when you say that out loud? Well I’ll let you what kind of man, because I’ve gone through this experience so that you don’t have to!

So first things first, let’s get a few questions out of the way. Did I know he was a thumbsucker at first? No! Did he have buck teeth? Gawd no! Any mommy issues? …maybe.

For privacy reasons I have named this person thumbsucker for obvious reasons but I will describe how I met him and how he physically looked like. We met on tinder. The only two things written on his profile were #curvy & #bbwcurves . As a thicker white girl who was slightly intoxicated when I saw that, I obvs swiped right! He was in his early 30’s, African, well educated and had from what seemed a nice career. He told me he was 5’10 which was a straight up lie. I’m 5’7…I know what height is. He may have been the same height as me, maybe even shorter.

I hesitated on meeting him at first because he seemed boring via text but upon meeting him we had a great first date. Which he ended with a steamy make out sesh. No probs. He said he wanted to see me again and things escalated from there.

Couple dates turned into a few and so on. We slept together on the third date; after getting in an argument and getting angry drunk I wanted to see if he lived up to his African stereotype. Sex was great…until he needed to come. I won’t get into gruesome details but it involved his thumb (which I didn’t know about yet!), his nipples and whole lotta Vaseline and dirty talk. At least he kept his shit moisturized.

After a few dates I thought I caught him biting his skin around nails. Then I thought he was kissing or sucking on his jewellery. But I could never catch him in the act! Finally one night he got super drunk (he may have had a drinking problem on top of all this) and passed out on the lobby couch with his full thumb in his mouth! Now I know what you may be thinking. WTF why did you keep talking to him?! Well, I needed to investigate and I’ve got a bucket load of my own issues too! Now his thumb wasn’t in his mouth like a 5 year olds, it was in side ways. Hence why I thought he was biting his skin. It almost looked like he was gnawing on his nail. So I obviously did the mature thing and asked why the fuck do you have your thumb in your mouth? “I’m tired” is all I got.

You may be wondering, how often did he do it? Did he do it at work? How long was it in his mouth for? Did his thumb become pruney? Did he wash his hands? Calm down child, I shall answer this for you.
80% of the time. Maybe? 2 minutes? Unless I distracted him, who knows what happened when I wasn’t there! Nope, no prune thumb! Can’t comment, did not witness.

He also really enjoyed to hug me while placing his head on my bosom…so yes, there may be mommy issues here.

Things ended when I realized this person was looking for a non relationship relationship. Which basically means (If you’re not on the west coast) a relationship where you ACT committed, AREN’T but don’t want to talk about anything because god forbid that puts things in serious territory and that could spiral into a real relationship but you don’t want to admit that you don’t want that because you’re an asshole and don’t want to put in any actual effort.

He also had a slight case of narcissism and was extremely rude to cab drivers. It clearly would have never worked.


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