The Priest

This happened ages ago and I apologize if the details may be a little hazy. Also there was no steamy sex session…but this is hilarious. At least in my head.

The priest and I met online and quickly formed a bond. He was from Eastern Europe and understood my antics. We finally met up at my favourite bring-your-awkward-first-date-here bar. He was of smaller stature with a large head (not that one!). Brown hair and lots of acne scars on his face. He studied to become a catholic priest but then somehow became a tattoo artist. Dropped out of priesthood and started inking. He was also separated! I have since stalked him on google and he’s a surprisingly popular artist!

While drinking at the bar I kept knocking back wine. It was time to pay the bill, he announced he only brought $30 with him because he didn’t think things would go so well. So naturally, I paid. I’m pretty sure we were wasted at this point. Somewhere and somehow we started our heavy make out sesh. Can’t fully remember if it was on the street, bus stop or at a different bar BUT I do remember being on the night bus with him. All I remember is falling sleep on him in downtown and waking up in the boonies (1.5 hours out of downtown) with my cell phone missing and still plastered.

The police escorted me off the bus and I frantically was yelling at them that I lost my phone! Can’t they understand?! Jeez! Anyways, as I stumble off I realize I’m not in Kansas anymore. When I say middle of nowhere…I was in the middle of nowhere. At a bus depot. I still to this day have no idea where this was.

I saw flashing lights and decided to venture out to the street, figure out which way was home and WALK home. Yes, smart me decided to WALK along the highway home.

During this marvellous plan that I conjured up I heard honking beside me. It was a cab driver telling me to get in. I told him I only need directions to my house and I can make it there on my own. He kept saying no, you’re getting in the car and not walking here. I’m thankfully he convinced me to do that!

Next thing I remember I’m teetering out of the cab window with the cab driver holding my legs on the inside so I don’t topple over. I’ll give you a minute to picture this.¬†Apparently we were at a drive thru ATM. I kept yelling at the cabbie to let go because I GOT THIS! I’m very thankful he hadn’t let go.

Eventually I stumbled down my steps to my place and proceeded to search for my phone. Now this was my favourite phone, back when blackberry was the rage! I had the newest and coolest one, before white phones were even popular! Ugh I still miss it!

So back to searching for this phone! Back then you were able to “find your phone” through your cell phone provider, and I found the phone. In the same location as were the priest said he lived! So I drunkenly messaged him saying to give me phone back!

During this I put in a claim with the local transit system that I lost my phone JUST IN CASE they found it. But I forgot about this, so when I sobered up and called the lost and found department they read back my claim. It went as follows:

Item lost: my phone!
Last known location: my bag
Description: my white phone! I needkdb hdndj pleasaseeeeee
So yes, the customer service agent READ that back to me.

To say the least I never got my phone back.

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