The Best Man

I cringe every time I think about this…let’s say “escapade”. So bear with me while I backtrack into the depths of my brain deep into the trauma section. A lot of things usually go in, not a whole lot come out! You will know why in a minute…

Unfortunately I have to be quite vague in certain details or this story because…well just because.
Roughly 4 years ago I attended a wedding where I was the maid of honour *happy dance*. The best man at this wedding was a cute guy who had a killer sense of humour. Had a few unfortunate life obstacles thrown in his way but was a delight to be around. I kind of fancied him but I knew nothing would EVER come of it. He was roughly 5’10 with a lumberjack build and thankfully at that time had shaved his lumberjack beard. Blonde and blue eyed, basically a gentle giant. Gentle giant also had a child.

So on to the festivities! At the party the best man didn’t really pay that much attention to me, he was busy drinking. As the night progressed and the booze was flowing he kept trying to catch my eye. I was busy drinking too, very busy. Eventually I noticed one of the guests huffed and puffed away to one of the cabins on the property because the best man wasn’t paying attention to her. Lucky me got all of the attention after that!

Eventually it was 3am and I realized I was sitting in the living room of our cabin with the best man sitting in front of me and I’m giving him a manicure. Yep, you read that correctly! Actually I was pushing his cuticles back…I’m so good at seducing ;). We were also belting out Take Me To Church by Hozier, not once, not twice but for about an hour straight. I had completely forgotten that the groom’s sister was staying in one of the rooms in the cabin. I hope she wasn’t traumatized by the unfolding events.

Obviously manicures always lead to something more so we starting fooling around. Then I had the brilliant idea to drink EVEN MORE. To say that we were drunk was an understatement. I don’t even think we realized what we were doing. So onto the bedroom! As we stumbled in I vaguely remember him trying to seduce me. Whatever he did worked. Our clothes were off, it was 40 degrees outside and our aircon was broken. As we were fooling around I creeped my hand down to his nether regions and felt something odd. Drunk me couldn’t comprehend so I decided to go explore with my mouth. Bad idea.

You know that feeling you get when you’re super wasted and you get a kick of adrenaline and you’re instantly alert… but still drunk? So yes I just had that happen to me.

So this thing was in my mouth and I wanted to gag it out so bad! Why you ask? Well because whatever was in my mouth was the size of my thumb. Yea go ahead. look at yours now. Now picture the male anatomy…then look at your thumb again. Now think harder. Yup that was in my mouth.

I honestly can’t remember how I did anything or if I even said anything or if it was even hard, didn’t stay long enough to find out! BUT somehow my drunk mess FORGOT about this 2 secs after and I climbed on top of him. Aren’t I a trooper!!

I can only imagine how we looked like at 6 am, stinking of sweat with no air conditioning, squealing like pigs, so drunk yet still attempting to have sex. All the while the groom’s sister was in the next room.

I can’t even begin to write how I attempted to have sex, it makes me want to invert myself. But it happened! Well kind of. I mean technically it happened…but did it? Honestly I have no idea cause I didn’t feel a thing. I just pretended he was too drunk to get it up.
After this fiasco I’m assuming we passed out like wet seals across the bed. Sheets in disarray. This whole fiasco lasted about 3 hours. We only got about 2 hours of sleep only to be woken up by the bride and groom banging pots and pans to wake us up. Can you picture the horror when they burst into the room? Because I was supposed to be in the cabin ALONE…heh heh.

For a year the bride pestered me into detailing our sexual escapade and I would tell her that we didn’t have sex (because physically we didn’t?)…until I finally spilled the beans. He has a micropenis.

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